I know I'm not the only mother who feels this way, I'm almost sure that every woman (or man!) who has ever stayed at home with her children has at some point thought that there has to be more to life then the mundanity of doing the same old laundry, dinners and general housework everyday. I'm also pretty sure that we all feel some degree of guilt for feeling this way, after all we are living the dream aren't we? Getting to spend every day with my son is a gift I'm not sure I could trade for any degree or career, whatever the perks were.
I have always known that I wouldn't want to leave any children that I may have, to go to work. I just didn't know that the reality of being here day in and day out can sometimes feel oppressive, isolating and, quite honestly, brain numbing. But, I know that if for some reason I did give up my stay at home status, that my heart would ache for all of the simple pleasures of our day at home. Like singing songs with my boy, seeing him munching on every meal I prepare, and sitting on the floor with him playing the silly games that one year olds love (like jumping out from behind the couch and shouting "BOO!", 200 times in a row..)
I have yet to miss a mile stone of his, and I know that it would kill me to know that some body else had cheered him on when taking his first steps, or saying his first words etc. In years to come I think I would rather to regret going to college later in life, then to regret missing out on all of them important early days of Deans life.
But, when sitting at home counting down the hours of the day, sometimes it's hard to come to that conclusion. I know that deep in my heart this is the place I want and need to be, but why then do I struggle so much with my decision? I know it's normal to occasionally feel exasperated with your life, but is it natural to feel this way most, if not every day? I don't know when I have crossed the line from exasperated, to downright depressed.
I think what I need is a half way house between being the working mam, and where I am now. I need a hobby, but where to begin? I'm interested in lots of things, but interested enough? When money is tight, and weekends and evenings are devoted to spending time together as a family, all three of us (We do love having "the Dada" here at home with us at the weekends), it's difficult to come up with the time to spend on just me.
A lot of how I feel comes down to me making this huge adjustment to being a mother. I don't think I ever felt this strong of an urge to DO SOMETHING before. Maybe I have just reached a level of maturity that I'm ready now to really work hard and achieve something with my life. I think I can stick out these next few years of staying at home, if I can cling on to the possibility that soon I will have more time, and more money to devote to myself and my education.
It helps to break it all down like this, when I look at the bigger picture I feel better about my decision. I'm almost sure that part of my problem is that I don't utilise the time that I do have well enough to get something out of it to satisfy my own needs, rather than just my families. This year I need to learn how to combine being the mother I want to be, with the person I want to be, and come out with a balance between the two.
This post turned out a lot longer and in depth then I meant for it to be, so if any body has even gotten this far, I apologise for the moan! Who knows, maybe there are some other mamas out there feeling a similar way to me.. I'd love to hear how any body else deals with these feelings, so shout out if you can identify! Thanks for reading today,
Sallymama.
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